do other people feel this way?

maybe it is a function of not having a job, of only being tethered to the realities and appraisals (albeit rigorous) of the 5 +year old set but i often find myself wondering in awe/disgust/fascination....do other people feel this way? just had to take a dance/grape/change my glass from broken plastic to glass wine glass/ break. we hosted a fundraiser for friend paul thissen who is running for governor of minnesota. wow, holy cow. really wonderful to do for him, really amazing to see something at the beginning.....however i am now half buzzed, alone (mike asleep) in a house full of wine and cheese and misc yummies. am i the only one who wished with wild abandon that the party go on? is it good or bad that i continue to listen to music, drink my wine out of glass and only put in the fridge bef bed what i dont consume.......really really am i alone?

nicely done monday

i just got home from a really expensive, really local, really organic, really sustainable lunch with my parents - which was lovely for all, esp me as i had a ginourmous hamburger, sans bun but mucho delciouso. mike had a tempah rueben which everyone at the table knew was tempah but he was expecting a super reuben a la kobe beef burger, not a bean curd patty masquerading as corned beef. my mom, although vegan has always shied away from eating tofu ect disguised as other things, tofurkey ect.....she is our yoda in all things low on the food chain. btw it is meatless monday! try it! ( : so far so good....for mike! har har. so i get home and check my voicemail and i have a call from coffee and tea in linden hills. one of my most fav coffee shops. tiny, pungent, no wi fi (btw do they not make offices and study halls anymore?) and i can bring in harriet and she has so much fun she almost thinks she was at the dog park.....well, they have a little bin on the counter that you can put your name in for a monthly coffee draw and of course i always do - if it's free, it's for me....que, carrie smile and nod.....well i WON!! a pound of coffee! i never ever win anything! i won the opportunity to go on a provincial browine (canadian for girl scouts/guides? whatever they are called) camping trip in 3rd grade and i swear that was the last time. i am so happy. really truly. i think mike thinks i am totally mental and i suppose he is wondering if he should strike a deal with coffee and tea every month just so i get the rush of victory...not a bad idea actually. i feel so good that i actually am going to go through with my promise to gabby of listening to kid music in the car with my kids. chloe singing blame it on the al al al al al alcolhol while cutting out paper snowflakes, is just wrong! that paper is a tree! only snowflakes from paper that has been colored/printed on, again, carrie smile and nod.....however leads to strange clock work orange type snowflakes, with a mix of dissected my little pony, army guy and case notes from hcmc.....no really though, she is 5 and now she is going to discover that there is a whole genre of age appropriate music for a 5 year old! so brew so coffee and strike up the raffi! it's monday!

rainy day present

what to do? caught in that moment of time before total organized sport chaos and summer it's nice out we must "enjoy" it. rainy day, 89.3, kids are somewhere in the house....not sure where or what they are doing but all is quiet. dog chewing giant weekend bone with total devotion. kitchen fridge soup is brewing. i will take this moment and i choose to just be....this is of course difficult for me......my natural state is to be in the future - my imagination, wow, that sounds really bad, or the past romanticizing reality......equally bad. i acknowledge this and in the spirit of my sept new year resolution - which i just decided to have right now! NOW! i am going to be present.....or at least really really try!

ten years come and gone so fast i might as well been dreaming

my baby is 10. 10. how does this happen. how does this time pass? before your eyes. in the midst of washing, watching, picking up, anticipating, pushing, hoping, wiping, loving......i could go on and on. it is a funny thing to watch your heart develop. your first born. 10. perched in this lovely precarious spot this glorious time of boyhood. someone once told me the glory years. between babyhood and teen years. he is spectacular. interesting and quirky. sensitive and wise. truly spectacular. he is a boy. his own boy. before my very eyes he has become himself.

there was a little boy

well, the story went, there was a little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead. and when she was good, she was very very good and when she was bad she was horrid. that was the story my nana mary told me. she was/is incidentally my most favorite person ever. hands down. this story could describe nate. with of course a gender switch as he is a boy. my boy. my lovely beautiful golden hair boy. who has the highest highs and the lowest lows. if you want a snuggle, go to him. if you want a scrap go to him ....he in 8 yrs has has two broken legs and a broken arm. pure 100 % child and boy. unabashed. perfection. never change nate. you are perfect. perfectly perfect.

caught between two worlds

so when i was in high school my friend laura and i had this thing......caught between two worlds don't know where to turn the answer my friend is blowing in the wind what about the baby sweet jesus......i sent this remembrance to her and she loosely remembered it, not unlike how someone remembers the lyrics to a "wham" song.......but to me it stuck. this is big. foreshadowing, tess of the dubervilles foreshadowing big. i feel like i am stuck. September to me is a particularly auspicious time. my new year. a start of things. school ect. just new, change of season. babies getting older, 20 year reunions.......a time of change. not in a bad way not in a good way just in a way. there is an ease to september if you let it. funny that i write this on the first of october or maybe not. maybe it takes riding a pedicab through st paul on a drunken remembrance cruise to liberate september for all its goodness.

so how does one live in the today? what does it take? is it a reality? the end of summer is a time of nostalgia for me, for mamas. children, babies before our eyes go to school, taking a bit of us and a bit of relief, given and reluctantly parted with.....strollers strolled, swings swung....whether 2 days or 2 years ago, our memories are pushing these images to the forefront....bittersweet. for me, hard not to dwell in the past, in those memories, those feelings, those sensations, so real. and then boom there it is the future - who am i ? they are in school? how do i define myself? who should i be? what makes me tick? the past the future.......popping between the two without a breath for the now. how do we capture this now that is really all that matters? hmmmmmmm. for now i believe that the simplest path is the right one. enjoy, breathe, be present, be grateful, surround yourself with those who push you and make you laugh, play cards with your kids even though you want a second cup of coffee. enjoy the french horn......walk the dog.....just be......hello october.....lets snuggle up.....