i need to keep writing. not sure if anyone reads it but thinking that is ok. for quite a while i thought, this is stupid, why am i doing this? i am not even good at this. so i took a break. i miss it. i sat down and read through some of my posts and you know what - i like me. i am going to tell me, me, it's ok to keep going. gawd. (that is american god - gawd - so much more satisfying and annoying to say) that is so new agey ridiculous but there it is. don't worry. not going to have another - it's a new year reflection. may do that later....seems like it's a new year to me say every 3 months or so, which really is quite reflective of my personality. and you know what? i like it. i woke up early this morning. really early. 545am. so not like me at all. i have been known to get up at that time and exercise but this was different. i was awake and the birds were going amazon jungle crazy outside my window. i figure i need to do something with this time, this rarely still house. so here i am. i have been taking this writing class which has filled me with so much doubt. this class feels like it has been cast by whomever does casting for a noraephron flick. there is the witty guy, the nerdy guy, the indie girl, the fantastical potter who has feathers woven into her hair, the butch lesbian....all these characters, and then me. i feel like a kraft cheese slice that has landed in the deli at dean and deluca. they are smart, clever and can write and i feel like a total cliche dunce. i get to wondering who i am in the casting call? ugh, not even going to go there bc i am on a i like me tangent and that will take me down the wrong river. i listen to them, to their voices, points of view and think i suck. i really suck. i have not even been writing between classes. which, is the whole point of taking it. i have felt sheepish and stuck....then this early morning. i say, fuck it. i am going to keep going. this week i have to read something and get critiqued on it. mother fer. i hate criticism. bad. its going to hurt. i have thought to myself, i am not going. i will just skip. but you know what. i am going. i look at my kids and how brave they are and they don't even know it. they are just being. when do we lose this? when do we allow ourselves to fill up with self doubt and self loathing? who cares if i suck? what is the worse thing that happens? they laugh at me? when carrie was in yoga training, her instructor said sometimes you just have to show up and suck. so i am going to push on, work on my writing for this class. let my voice be my voice and if it's not for them, so be it. i would rather show up and suck than not show up at all.
hamster on a wheel, monkey in a cage, running to stand still, free falling......hmmm. somehow i have gone from cliche metaphors to light rock.....very telling indeed. i love january. january to me is like september. odd, yes, but makes sense no? september is thrust upon us with the start of school and change and january is thrust upon us by the ole calendar. at any rate, i am the type that needs the STOP that these dates provide me. so here we are, january 19. mike and i had our first date - jan 19 1990. well, i use date loosely, as after he dropped his girlfriend off he came back to the bar to take me to perkins......well if that is not laying the stage for some serious romance i am not sure what is.....so here we are 2010. my ny resolution was simple, change something in my schedule. i have done that. a women's ski program every thurs. so frivolous and delicious. but change none the less. thought that may satiate me some but instead has only made me want more. that is good i suppose. exciting. so now do i change my resolution? or do i say voila - nicley done, and only the 19th.....oh i would like to slip into that pant suit. nah....i think i will add a nice jacket......to breathe and look into loved ones eyes when they are in my presence. see where that gets me.
tucking chloe into bed on friday night she looked at me and in a sleepy voice said, moma i wish i had a sister. sigh. this comes up a lot with her at tuck in time. how i would love to be the mother of four adult children. i am almost 100% sure there will be no more children in this house....well, at least 2 legged ones...i just don't think we could weather another baby and selfishly i am enjoying feeling myself return, feeling my relationship settle, being present with the three healthy vibrant kids i already have. but sigh none the less. i have always wanted a sister. i had cousins whom i adored and imitated with at times a v single white female flavour. i did however have a bro who was my best pal. we would move seamlessly from beating each other to a pulp, to biking to 7 11 for slurpees, to having barbie pick up the 6 million dollar man in her corvette. chloe has 2 brothers but we all know that 3 is a crowd or at least different than 2. my boys are tight and they are boys. they are naturally drawn to each other, to lego, to shooting nerf guns, to hockey. hence the little voice asking for a sister, to make her 1, 2. i smiled at her and said here is the thing, when you don't have a sister your friends fill that void. i have been so lucky to have such glorious, riotous, brilliant girlfriends. AND i got to choose them. so dear chloe, enjoy your sisters from another mista.
i don't want to hate on mike. but he is asleep and i am awake. not that i have problems with sleep, i don't, unless i have pms or there is a full moon, which i suspect may be the same thing! however i have not been organized enough to document, but that will be for 2010. so, chloe lost a tooth today. so who is thinking about the tooth fairy? hmmmm? moi. am ok with this though, as for now, do not need to worry about how house is heated. onward and upward.
so, does anyone eat a lot of pine nuts? we do. nick does not eat meat so we are always doling out misc protein items and one of his favs are nuts. so we measure out his pine nuts, toast em up and they are yum! a few nights ago i toasted up a bunch to have extra on a salad...well mike was at work late and the salad never happened so i ate a handful of pine nuts.....fast forward a few hours and i have a horrible bitter/metallic taste in my mouth (this was monday, still have it sunday)...i recall mike having had this same phenomenon a few weeks ago....likely when he got home in time to have me actually make a salad....i brought this coincidence to his attention and he said "huh". i however was not going to let this little thing lie, so being somewhat of a nancy drew/matlock/macgyver aficionado (not to mention heart to heart!) and since we have goggle!! i thought i would check it out...sure enough it was pine nuts......apparently they can do this, especially pine nuts from china......and low and behold where do you think costco gets the pine nuts for its 5 lb bags that sell for $1.99???? good thing it only makes food taste funny and not bevvies. shit i wonder how much pignoli sell for at broders.......bring on the slivered almonds.
i know its belated...what can i say...better late than never or maybe possibly if you leave things, alone (shock - nevah -so so counter intuitive, why would i evah) they get better and better and then voila my scar....happy thanksgiving. i am sated. my three lovely children are asleep, after a rock opera of sorts that i simultaneously love and hate - ok i admit - I LOVE...once they convince/cajole me to start....i am i there and i love it...this is lullaby at its best. btw i am making tea and there is so much bacon grease on the stove knobs that i must stop and massage it into my hands.....mmmm, if that is not a good omen of a sunday....perfectly perfect. sometimes lullaby is sweet, sometimes it is annie, sometimes freddie mercury......sometimes dependant on the nights activities and if momma has had some cocktails...i wonder if they notice. i don't think i do. when i am there it is just the two of us....nick - straight up "you are my sunshine". he is quiet now as opposed to when he was younger and would stop my and say "why is she crying", every night without fail he would ask and i would choke up and say because someone she loves has gone away....chloe likes "stars are the windows of heaven" which my mom and nana sang to me. sometimes she like a little "peggy o'niell" an irish pub song, also my mom and nana....but the words are changed to chloe cumming as they were marla rothney........it gets interesting with nate, as it always does. maybe he knows he has me and is going for it, making up for lost time/middle child. maybe he is just a cuddler. god i hope he never loses that. he likes "nate is special" a la ecfe, then "somewhere over the rainbow", which is special to me as we sang it at my nana's funeral and mike's moms name was dorothy, and then he likes " i love somebody" again ecfe and then the finale 1 or 2 "lullaby" lyrics compliments of my auntie pat and uncle peter rothney who sang it to their two girls every summer of my childhood in a 3 bedroom cottage with no real walls........then i smooch and ask if we've all peed and brushed teeth....mike is happily upstairs programming something on the computer. perhaps (god, i love that word!) inspired by matt and our dinner at vodas. harriet is "vacuuming" the floor......but tuck all that under your arm and there is more. i have been around the world so to speak in the past two weekends. i love to go out. it is no lie. i love it. i love to stay out late with mike - i love to watch him have fun. love to see him in party mode. love to be with my dear friends. thanksgiving night we found ourselves as stragglers for the first time in 10 years since we have lived here. when gabby and dave heard this, they full stop switched a roo and included us in their plans with their friends...it was a feast and so lovely. kids running around, delicious food and truly in my opinion what t to the g is all about. enveloping those around you, eating and being thankful for the bounty that we have....as well last weekend was a dear friends 50th bday. he had a house party and it was off da hook. kristi and derek and girls came for the weekend and our kids were ensconced in mutual love and affection and we headed to this bday. k & d are splendid, the right mix of family friend and fabulous. it is truly a treat to "play" with someone you have known and loved since you were 15...and 18....fuck i am old and i have known mike a long time.....friday night was connie's 40th bday, dear connie who i met at gymboree when our first babies were 6weeks old and way too young for gymboree but we needed something....her lovely fiery hubby put on a rockin bday party and well the afterparty was one to remember......tonight we went to vodas for curry......talk about family.....there is something that happens when you live away from yours. friendships become tighter....or at least some do. we have sailed some seas with these guys and we love them like perhaps (!! god i love that word) some of us were somehow from the same womb.........wtf harriet just walked across the room with yukon cornelius in her mouth! that was a close one....yeesh, you can so not play island of misfit toys without him....so i am thankful....on so many levels.....