need

i need to keep writing. not sure if anyone reads it but thinking that is ok. for quite a while i thought, this is stupid, why am i doing this? i am not even good at this. so i took a break. i miss it. i sat down and read through some of my posts and you know what - i like me. i am going to tell me, me, it's ok to keep going. gawd. (that is american god - gawd - so much more satisfying and annoying to say) that is so new agey ridiculous but there it is. don't worry. not going to have another - it's a new year reflection. may do that later....seems like it's a new year to me say every 3 months or so, which really is quite reflective of my personality. and you know what? i like it. i woke up early this morning. really early. 545am. so not like me at all. i have been known to get up at that time and exercise but this was different. i was awake and the birds were going amazon jungle crazy outside my window. i figure i need to do something with this time, this rarely still house. so here i am. i have been taking this writing class which has filled me with so much doubt. this class feels like it has been cast by whomever does casting for a nora ephron flick. there is the witty guy, the nerdy guy, the indie girl, the fantastical potter who has feathers woven into her hair, the butch lesbian....all these characters, and then me. i feel like a kraft cheese slice that has landed in the deli at dean and deluca. they are smart, clever and can write and i feel like a total cliche dunce. i get to wondering who i am in the casting call? ugh, not even going to go there bc i am on a i like me tangent and that will take me down the wrong river. i listen to them, to their voices, points of view and think i suck. i really suck. i have not even been writing between classes. which, is the whole point of taking it. i have felt sheepish and stuck....then this early morning. i say, fuck it. i am going to keep going. this week i have to read something and get critiqued on it. mother fer. i hate criticism. bad. its going to hurt. i have thought to myself, i am not going. i will just skip. but you know what. i am going. i look at my kids and how brave they are and they don't even know it. they are just being. when do we lose this? when do we allow ourselves to fill up with self doubt and self loathing? who cares if i suck? what is the worse thing that happens? they laugh at me? when carrie was in yoga training, her instructor said sometimes you just have to show up and suck. so i am going to push on, work on my writing for this class. let my voice be my voice and if it's not for them, so be it. i would rather show up and suck than not show up at all.