need

i need to keep writing. not sure if anyone reads it but thinking that is ok. for quite a while i thought, this is stupid, why am i doing this? i am not even good at this. so i took a break. i miss it. i sat down and read through some of my posts and you know what - i like me. i am going to tell me, me, it's ok to keep going. gawd. (that is american god - gawd - so much more satisfying and annoying to say) that is so new agey ridiculous but there it is. don't worry. not going to have another - it's a new year reflection. may do that later....seems like it's a new year to me say every 3 months or so, which really is quite reflective of my personality. and you know what? i like it. i woke up early this morning. really early. 545am. so not like me at all. i have been known to get up at that time and exercise but this was different. i was awake and the birds were going amazon jungle crazy outside my window. i figure i need to do something with this time, this rarely still house. so here i am. i have been taking this writing class which has filled me with so much doubt. this class feels like it has been cast by whomever does casting for a nora ephron flick. there is the witty guy, the nerdy guy, the indie girl, the fantastical potter who has feathers woven into her hair, the butch lesbian....all these characters, and then me. i feel like a kraft cheese slice that has landed in the deli at dean and deluca. they are smart, clever and can write and i feel like a total cliche dunce. i get to wondering who i am in the casting call? ugh, not even going to go there bc i am on a i like me tangent and that will take me down the wrong river. i listen to them, to their voices, points of view and think i suck. i really suck. i have not even been writing between classes. which, is the whole point of taking it. i have felt sheepish and stuck....then this early morning. i say, fuck it. i am going to keep going. this week i have to read something and get critiqued on it. mother fer. i hate criticism. bad. its going to hurt. i have thought to myself, i am not going. i will just skip. but you know what. i am going. i look at my kids and how brave they are and they don't even know it. they are just being. when do we lose this? when do we allow ourselves to fill up with self doubt and self loathing? who cares if i suck? what is the worse thing that happens? they laugh at me? when carrie was in yoga training, her instructor said sometimes you just have to show up and suck. so i am going to push on, work on my writing for this class. let my voice be my voice and if it's not for them, so be it. i would rather show up and suck than not show up at all.

new years resolution

hamster on a wheel, monkey in a cage, running to stand still, free falling......hmmm. somehow i have gone from cliche metaphors to light rock.....very telling indeed. i love january. january to me is like september. odd, yes, but makes sense no? september is thrust upon us with the start of school and change and january is thrust upon us by the ole calendar. at any rate, i am the type that needs the STOP that these dates provide me. so here we are, january 19. mike and i had our first date - jan 19 1990. well, i use date loosely, as after he dropped his girlfriend off he came back to the bar to take me to perkins......well if that is not laying the stage for some serious romance i am not sure what is.....so here we are 2010. my ny resolution was simple, change something in my schedule. i have done that. a women's ski program every thurs. so frivolous and delicious. but change none the less. thought that may satiate me some but instead has only made me want more. that is good i suppose. exciting. so now do i change my resolution? or do i say voila - nicley done, and only the 19th.....oh i would like to slip into that pant suit. nah....i think i will add a nice jacket......to breathe and look into loved ones eyes when they are in my presence. see where that gets me.

importing pics

just looking at nicely done monday. wtf is the pic i downloaded there? is it a women with a boner? or a revved up 70's dude in high heels? either way i am confused. i endeavour to do better.

late night musings

tucking chloe into bed on friday night she looked at me and in a sleepy voice said, moma i wish i had a sister. sigh. this comes up a lot with her at tuck in time. how i would love to be the mother of four adult children. i am almost 100% sure there will be no more children in this house....well, at least 2 legged ones...i just don't think we could weather another baby and selfishly i am enjoying feeling myself return, feeling my relationship settle, being present with the three healthy vibrant kids i already have. but sigh none the less. i have always wanted a sister. i had cousins whom i adored and imitated with at times a v single white female flavour. i did however have a bro who was my best pal. we would move seamlessly from beating each other to a pulp, to biking to 7 11 for slurpees, to having barbie pick up the 6 million dollar man in her corvette. chloe has 2 brothers but we all know that 3 is a crowd or at least different than 2. my boys are tight and they are boys. they are naturally drawn to each other, to lego, to shooting nerf guns, to hockey. hence the little voice asking for a sister, to make her 1, 2. i smiled at her and said here is the thing, when you don't have a sister your friends fill that void. i have been so lucky to have such glorious, riotous, brilliant girlfriends. AND i got to choose them. so dear chloe, enjoy your sisters from another mista.